The Real Dictionary
A few terms which are misused in common language.
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9
9-11 Truther
Like the crazy homeless people you see talking to themselves, but with internet connections.
A
Activist judge
A judge who made a ruling with which the speaker disagrees.
Alternative medicine
Medicine which has either not been proved to work, or been proved not to work. "Alternative medicine" which has been proven to work is called "Medicine."
(Definition provided by Tim Minchin.)
B
Bible (Holy)
A group of stories about racism, rape, murder, incest, genocide, slavery, monarchy, tribalism, religious wars, and ethnic cleansing written by pre-scientific, desert-dwelling, iron-age nomads. It forms the basis of the Constitution of the United States of America.
Birther
See "9/11 Truther".
C
Children (protection of)
Used to enact social laws against pornography, alcohol and other drugs, prostitution, homosexuality, etc. This is very different than a paternalistic, nanny-state, or Big Government.
Cult
- A small, young religion
- The church down the street
- Any religion with weird beliefs: not normal things like symbolic cannibalism, symbolic vampirism, genital mutilation, ghosts, spirits, virgin births, and walking corpses.
D
Democracy
The greatest form of government wherein 51% of citizens can screw over the other 49%.
Democrat
A person who has willingly removed his or her brain and replaced it with platform statements and talking points.
E
Electoral College
F
G
Global Warming
A scientific theory which is false if you are a member of the Republican, Libertarian, Reform, or Constitution parties, and true if you are a member of the Democratic, Green, or Socialist parties.
Government (Big)
A government which involves itself in health care, education, finance, social security, welfare, and regulation.
Government (Small)
A government which involves itself in health care, education, finance, social security, welfare, regulation, and religion.
H
Hell
A place of torture and torment, created by the God in which the speaker believes, specifically to show that said God is loving.
Homeopathic remedy
- Placebo
- Water
- 100% profit
I
I'm no racist, but…
A phrase inevitably followed by an incredibly racist statement.
-industry
A suffix used group unrelated businesses together to make them sound more evil. Eg: food-industry, music-industry, etc.
Intelligent Design
A theory in which an omnipotent, omniscient, benevolent being created all life, even the really stupid parts like extinct animals, cancer, blind spots, and scrotums. This theory has a very loose definition of "Intelligent".
J
K
L
LOL, LMAO
Translates roughly to "By the way, I'm not very interesting."
M
N
Nazis
- A racist, murderous political party in Germany which was responsible for some of the worst atrocities the world had ever seen. It existed primarily so that later people could be compared to it.
- Barack Obama
- George W. Bush
- Anyone else
O
P
Politically incorrect
A phrase used by bigots to excuse their racism, sexism, and ignorance. Example: "I know this isn't politically correct, but we should subject all Muslims to extra security at the airport."
Political Party
- A cult
Profiteering
How other people make their money.
Q
R
Reality TV
- A bunch of idiots yelling at each other.
- Annoying crap.
Religion
One of tens of thousands of separate and mostly incompatible unprovable belief systems.
Republican
A person who has willingly removed his or her brain and replaced it with platform statements and talking points.
Road Rage
- A completely irrational anger caused by someone nearly killing you with a car.
- Justified anger aroused when the vehicle in front of you is driving only 10 mph over the speed limit.
S
Socialism
- A political theory of economic organization which advocates either public or direct worker ownership and administration of the means of production and allocation of resources.
- Any spending done by the US government when George Bush or Ronald Reagan is not president.
- Anything Glenn Beck says it is.
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