I like my…

I like my (women/men) like I like my coffee:

• Hot and black.

• Sweet and creamy.

• Chocolaty.

• Cheap and usually found at ALDIs.

• Cooled slightly with a splash of almond milk.

• Lukewarm and present.

• With a spoon in them. (Thanks Eddie Izzard.)

• Old and bitter.

• Preferably hot and fresh but reheated in the microwave is fine too.

• Fairly traded.

• Dairy-free.

• Cold.

• Organic. Or conventional. Whatever.

• Columbian and trapped in a bag. (Thanks SMBC.)

• Not partially digested by a civet.

• Stimulating my nervous system.

• Stimulating my bladder.

• French.

• Italian.

• Columbian, Arabian, or other TSA-suspicion-inducing variety.

• Irish and full of whiskey.

• Twice in the morning and then twice again after lunch. Maybe again right before dinner.

• Plucked, dried, shipped halfway around the world, roasted, ground into a fine powder, steeped in boiling water, and slowly sipped.